well my 7 kissed a bridge this mornin
Thread Starter
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,423
Likes: 5
From: springfield,oregon
Originally Posted by aussiesmg
Now that's funny ****.......lol
thought you would like it
just trying to fire up the ausie
see if ya got some jokes iv never heard of
im rick james bitch!!!
2)
Aa Aussie guy walks into a bar followed by 10 really small people, he helps them up onto bar stools and asks the bartender fot 11 beers, the bartender asks "What's with the midgets."
The Aussie replies they're not midgets, they're Kiwis with the **** squeazed out of them......
Boom shacka lacka lacka
Aa Aussie guy walks into a bar followed by 10 really small people, he helps them up onto bar stools and asks the bartender fot 11 beers, the bartender asks "What's with the midgets."
The Aussie replies they're not midgets, they're Kiwis with the **** squeazed out of them......
Boom shacka lacka lacka
3)
A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
They found themselves stranded on a desert island and after being there for a while they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and lo, and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Kiwi had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening: red cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon the New Zealander started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...
'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
They found themselves stranded on a desert island and after being there for a while they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and lo, and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Kiwi had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening: red cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon the New Zealander started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...
'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
Thread Starter
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,423
Likes: 5
From: springfield,oregon
those some great ones i love the sheep,dog,man one iv heard it before in a diif fromat
but that takes the cake....
whats simular between new zealand and a box of matchs....
the black ones dont work.
its so true
but that takes the cake....
whats simular between new zealand and a box of matchs....
the black ones dont work.
its so true
My turn...
The Australian, the Frenchman and the Canadian were bragging about their sexual escapades with their respective wives.
“After I have zee sex wiz my wife’” said the Frenchman, “I cover her wiz crepes suzette and eat it sensually off her silky bare skin. She becomes so excited she rises centimetres off ze bed.”
“After I screw my wife,” drawled the Canadian, “I pour maple syrup on her and lick it off slowly. She’s in so much goddam ecstasy she rises feet off the bed.”
“Me?”, says the Aussie. “When I’ve finished with my old lady I wipe my dick on the curtains and she hits the roof!
The Australian, the Frenchman and the Canadian were bragging about their sexual escapades with their respective wives.
“After I have zee sex wiz my wife’” said the Frenchman, “I cover her wiz crepes suzette and eat it sensually off her silky bare skin. She becomes so excited she rises centimetres off ze bed.”
“After I screw my wife,” drawled the Canadian, “I pour maple syrup on her and lick it off slowly. She’s in so much goddam ecstasy she rises feet off the bed.”
“Me?”, says the Aussie. “When I’ve finished with my old lady I wipe my dick on the curtains and she hits the roof!
It was just after sunset and Harry and Bert were enjoying a quiet one in the bar of the local when Harry mentioned that he was starting a new job next week, going on to shift work, he was.
At the mention of shift work, Bert looked at his watch, put his half-finished pot (of beer) down on the bar and bolted out the pub door.
Harry was surprised at this unexpected behaviour of his old drinking mate, but drank on regardless.
Exactly an hour later, a stinking wet, bleeding and very angry Bert staggered back into the bar and joined Harry. “Jeez, I’m pissed off!” he rasped.
Harry just looked aside at him and said, “Yairs, I’m not surprised. You left you beer half full. Anyway, why did you bolt?”
“It was partly your fault,” said Bert. “When you mentioned shift work, I remember an old girlfriend down the road who had told me her husband was on shift work this evening, and she gave me the nod that I could be in like Flynn.”
“Ah, so that’s why you are pissed off, you found out he wasn’t at work,” said Harry.
“No”, replied Bert. “Why do you think I am so wet and stinking – and have a look at me flamin’ knuckles! I went round to her place, she opened the door and in pretty short order we were tucked up in her bed. I no sooner thought of what to do next when there was this sound of a car pulling into her driveway and the slamming of a car door. She told me to hide, quick smart, as it must be her husband coming back for his ‘lunch’ box, which he had left on the kitchen table.”
“Ahah! That’s why you are so pissed off – you dipped out and have a case of lover’s nuts”, interjected Harry.
“No, wrong again,” said Bert. “I was going to hide under the bed, then in the laundry, and finally I crawled out the bedroom window and hung by my fingertips while the old flame closed the window and dashed into the kitchen. Her husband, the bastard, must have seen the look in her eyes when he ran into the kitchen, or twigged to the way she was dressed for romance, because he galloped into the laundry first, then looked under the bed, and finally caught me hanging on like grim death to the windowsill. He laughed like mad, then ran to the laundry and came back with a bloody mallet which he used on my fingers like a bloody xylophone. I hung on real tight, though, and then the bastard went to the bed and pulled out the half filled gazunder from underneath it. You know what happened next? He tipped it all over me.”
“So that’s why you’re pissed off so bad”, commented Harry. “You got pissed on!”
“No – I’ll tell you why I’m so pissed off”, said Bert as he drained his pot. “After dipping out on my naughtie, having my hands belted with a mallet and having a **** pot tipped all over me while hanging on for dear life at that bloody window, I looked down and saw that my feet were only three inches from the ground! That’s what really pissed me off!
At the mention of shift work, Bert looked at his watch, put his half-finished pot (of beer) down on the bar and bolted out the pub door.
Harry was surprised at this unexpected behaviour of his old drinking mate, but drank on regardless.
Exactly an hour later, a stinking wet, bleeding and very angry Bert staggered back into the bar and joined Harry. “Jeez, I’m pissed off!” he rasped.
Harry just looked aside at him and said, “Yairs, I’m not surprised. You left you beer half full. Anyway, why did you bolt?”
“It was partly your fault,” said Bert. “When you mentioned shift work, I remember an old girlfriend down the road who had told me her husband was on shift work this evening, and she gave me the nod that I could be in like Flynn.”
“Ah, so that’s why you are pissed off, you found out he wasn’t at work,” said Harry.
“No”, replied Bert. “Why do you think I am so wet and stinking – and have a look at me flamin’ knuckles! I went round to her place, she opened the door and in pretty short order we were tucked up in her bed. I no sooner thought of what to do next when there was this sound of a car pulling into her driveway and the slamming of a car door. She told me to hide, quick smart, as it must be her husband coming back for his ‘lunch’ box, which he had left on the kitchen table.”
“Ahah! That’s why you are so pissed off – you dipped out and have a case of lover’s nuts”, interjected Harry.
“No, wrong again,” said Bert. “I was going to hide under the bed, then in the laundry, and finally I crawled out the bedroom window and hung by my fingertips while the old flame closed the window and dashed into the kitchen. Her husband, the bastard, must have seen the look in her eyes when he ran into the kitchen, or twigged to the way she was dressed for romance, because he galloped into the laundry first, then looked under the bed, and finally caught me hanging on like grim death to the windowsill. He laughed like mad, then ran to the laundry and came back with a bloody mallet which he used on my fingers like a bloody xylophone. I hung on real tight, though, and then the bastard went to the bed and pulled out the half filled gazunder from underneath it. You know what happened next? He tipped it all over me.”
“So that’s why you’re pissed off so bad”, commented Harry. “You got pissed on!”
“No – I’ll tell you why I’m so pissed off”, said Bert as he drained his pot. “After dipping out on my naughtie, having my hands belted with a mallet and having a **** pot tipped all over me while hanging on for dear life at that bloody window, I looked down and saw that my feet were only three inches from the ground! That’s what really pissed me off!
You guys are nuts!!! Gotta love it.
I grew up in eastern Nebraska, we had a saying about the goat ropers in western Nebraska, 'It's a place where men are men and sheep are scared'.
Take the dog for a walk.
I grew up in eastern Nebraska, we had a saying about the goat ropers in western Nebraska, 'It's a place where men are men and sheep are scared'.
Take the dog for a walk.
Thread Starter
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,423
Likes: 5
From: springfield,oregon
Originally Posted by aussiesmg
My turn...
The Australian, the Frenchman and the Canadian were bragging about their sexual escapades with their respective wives.
“After I have zee sex wiz my wife’” said the Frenchman, “I cover her wiz crepes suzette and eat it sensually off her silky bare skin. She becomes so excited she rises centimetres off ze bed.”
“After I screw my wife,” drawled the Canadian, “I pour maple syrup on her and lick it off slowly. She’s in so much goddam ecstasy she rises feet off the bed.”
“Me?”, says the Aussie. “When I’ve finished with my old lady I wipe my dick on the curtains and she hits the roof!
The Australian, the Frenchman and the Canadian were bragging about their sexual escapades with their respective wives.
“After I have zee sex wiz my wife’” said the Frenchman, “I cover her wiz crepes suzette and eat it sensually off her silky bare skin. She becomes so excited she rises centimetres off ze bed.”
“After I screw my wife,” drawled the Canadian, “I pour maple syrup on her and lick it off slowly. She’s in so much goddam ecstasy she rises feet off the bed.”
“Me?”, says the Aussie. “When I’ve finished with my old lady I wipe my dick on the curtains and she hits the roof!
Thread Starter
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,423
Likes: 5
From: springfield,oregon
Originally Posted by dean23
man.. theres nothing better than coming home from work and hearing kiwi jokes....
and blwfly.. wats the story behind that name mate? im confuses the hell outta me.
and blwfly.. wats the story behind that name mate? im confuses the hell outta me.
we have a fly back home called the blowfly its just a large regular fly that dose its thing always findin its usall **** well these flys make a racket you can hear them comin 10ft away
and always finds you when ya pull out ya lunchwell as you have read we smoke alota pot back home..
every time i mean exsactly every time i went to my mates
they would hear this loud droning noise come up the hill "my honda integra auto loud pita"
ild run up his stairs and everytime i opend the ranch slider there just puttin the lighter to the joint or just turned the gas on for spots
hehe i could never figure it must be a kiwi 6th sence
thats how i got my user name
they usally called me dobo
thats another story....
Terrified.
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 3,463
Likes: 1
From: Muncie, IN
Originally Posted by Tranquil
What do you call a 15 year old girl in the passenger seat of a honda civic?
Christopher Coffle's girlfriend!
Christopher Coffle's girlfriend!
I didn't want you yankees to fell left out
An American tourist pulls over the Hertz car in the middle of nowhere for a pee. Suddenly a bloke jumps out from behind a tree, pointing a shotgun at him. “Pull yourself off”, he orders.
“What?”
“**********. Right now!”
Nervously, the tourist obliges.
“Now, do it again”.
“I can’t do it again”
“DO it again!”
So the tourist *********** for a second time.
“Okay, once more”
“I couldn’t do it once more, no matter what. You may as well shoot me.”
“No, that’s fine. Now you can give my sister a lift to the next town.”
An American tourist pulls over the Hertz car in the middle of nowhere for a pee. Suddenly a bloke jumps out from behind a tree, pointing a shotgun at him. “Pull yourself off”, he orders.
“What?”
“**********. Right now!”
Nervously, the tourist obliges.
“Now, do it again”.
“I can’t do it again”
“DO it again!”
So the tourist *********** for a second time.
“Okay, once more”
“I couldn’t do it once more, no matter what. You may as well shoot me.”
“No, that’s fine. Now you can give my sister a lift to the next town.”
Hey there Blowie, these are back on subject
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, ****!"
Only the states of South Carolina, West Virginia and Arkansas were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, ****!"
Only the states of South Carolina, West Virginia and Arkansas were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"
Thread Starter
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,423
Likes: 5
From: springfield,oregon
Originally Posted by aussiesmg
Hey there Blowie, these are back on subject
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, ****!"
Only the states of South Carolina, West Virginia and Arkansas were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, ****!"
Only the states of South Carolina, West Virginia and Arkansas were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"
lol thats exsactly what i said
ohhh
**** follwed byyeeehaaaaa
!!!! BANG POW POP lolyour a happy campin joke machine!! you know all these off by heart?
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