Oil change instructions....Can you relate?
05-10-05, 03:04 PM
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Oil change instructions....Can you relate?
Oil change instructions....Can you relate? quote:
Oil Change Instructions for Women
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the odometer reaches 8,000 kilometers since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 10 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money Spent
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee: Free
Total $20.00
========================================
===========
Oil Change Instructions for Men
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and write a cheque for $50.00.
2. Stop by corner store and buy a case of beer, write a cheque for $21.95, drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car behind shed.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil and splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off
16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes.
17. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.
18. Neighbor shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new fishing rod.
19. Sunday: Skip church because, "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
20. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to recycle.
21. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 20.
22. Walk to corner store; buy beer.
23. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
24. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
25. Remember missing drain plug from step 11.
26. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
27. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole.
29. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties.
30. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
31. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on new oil-spill.
32. Drink beer.
33. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.
34. Stupid crescent wrench slips while tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
35. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 34. Begin cussing fit.
36. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
37. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because oily wrench hit Miss December centrefold in the left boob.
38. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45. Beer.
46. Test Drive car.
47. Get pulled over. Arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Call wife, make bail.
50. 24 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money Spent
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $43.90
Total $4168.90
(But you know the job was done right!
Oil Change Instructions for Women
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the odometer reaches 8,000 kilometers since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 10 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money Spent
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee: Free
Total $20.00
========================================
===========
Oil Change Instructions for Men
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and write a cheque for $50.00.
2. Stop by corner store and buy a case of beer, write a cheque for $21.95, drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car behind shed.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil and splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off
16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes.
17. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.
18. Neighbor shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new fishing rod.
19. Sunday: Skip church because, "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
20. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to recycle.
21. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 20.
22. Walk to corner store; buy beer.
23. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
24. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
25. Remember missing drain plug from step 11.
26. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
27. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole.
29. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties.
30. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
31. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on new oil-spill.
32. Drink beer.
33. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.
34. Stupid crescent wrench slips while tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
35. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 34. Begin cussing fit.
36. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
37. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because oily wrench hit Miss December centrefold in the left boob.
38. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45. Beer.
46. Test Drive car.
47. Get pulled over. Arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Call wife, make bail.
50. 24 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money Spent
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $43.90
Total $4168.90
(But you know the job was done right!
05-10-05, 07:30 PM
#4
And you can also relate with these instructions on how to use a drive-through ATM:
MEN
1) Drive up to the cash machine.
2) Lower your car window.
3) Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4) Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5) Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6) Raise window.
7) Drive off.
WOMEN
1) Drive up to cash machine.
2) Back up to align car window to machine.
3) Set parking brake, lower the window.
4) Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
5) Turn the radio down.
6) Attempt to insert card into machine.
7) Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8 ) Insert card.
9) Re-insert card right side up.
10) Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11) Enter PIN.
12) Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.
13) Enter amount of cash required.
14) Check make up in rear view mirror
15) Retrieve cash and receipt.
16) Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17) Place receipt in back of checkbook.
18 ) Re-check makeup.
19) Drive two feet forward.
20) Back up to cash machine.
21) Retrieve card.
22) Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23) Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers waiting behind.
24) Restart stalled engine and drive away.
25) Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
26) Release Parking Brake.
MEN
1) Drive up to the cash machine.
2) Lower your car window.
3) Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4) Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5) Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6) Raise window.
7) Drive off.
WOMEN
1) Drive up to cash machine.
2) Back up to align car window to machine.
3) Set parking brake, lower the window.
4) Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
5) Turn the radio down.
6) Attempt to insert card into machine.
7) Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8 ) Insert card.
9) Re-insert card right side up.
10) Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11) Enter PIN.
12) Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.
13) Enter amount of cash required.
14) Check make up in rear view mirror
15) Retrieve cash and receipt.
16) Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17) Place receipt in back of checkbook.
18 ) Re-check makeup.
19) Drive two feet forward.
20) Back up to cash machine.
21) Retrieve card.
22) Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23) Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers waiting behind.
24) Restart stalled engine and drive away.
25) Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
26) Release Parking Brake.
05-10-05, 09:59 PM
#5
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: toronto
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Originally Posted by Nick86
And you can also relate with these instructions on how to use a drive-through ATM:
MEN
1) Drive up to the cash machine.
2) Lower your car window.
3) Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4) Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5) Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6) Raise window.
7) Drive off.
WOMEN
1) Drive up to cash machine.
2) Back up to align car window to machine.
3) Set parking brake, lower the window.
4) Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
5) Turn the radio down.
6) Attempt to insert card into machine.
7) Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8 ) Insert card.
9) Re-insert card right side up.
10) Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11) Enter PIN.
12) Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.
13) Enter amount of cash required.
14) Check make up in rear view mirror
15) Retrieve cash and receipt.
16) Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17) Place receipt in back of checkbook.
18 ) Re-check makeup.
19) Drive two feet forward.
20) Back up to cash machine.
21) Retrieve card.
22) Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23) Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers waiting behind.
24) Restart stalled engine and drive away.
25) Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
26) Release Parking Brake.
MEN
1) Drive up to the cash machine.
2) Lower your car window.
3) Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4) Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5) Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6) Raise window.
7) Drive off.
WOMEN
1) Drive up to cash machine.
2) Back up to align car window to machine.
3) Set parking brake, lower the window.
4) Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
5) Turn the radio down.
6) Attempt to insert card into machine.
7) Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8 ) Insert card.
9) Re-insert card right side up.
10) Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11) Enter PIN.
12) Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.
13) Enter amount of cash required.
14) Check make up in rear view mirror
15) Retrieve cash and receipt.
16) Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17) Place receipt in back of checkbook.
18 ) Re-check makeup.
19) Drive two feet forward.
20) Back up to cash machine.
21) Retrieve card.
22) Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23) Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers waiting behind.
24) Restart stalled engine and drive away.
25) Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
26) Release Parking Brake.
I think i've been that irrate male driver a few times....
05-10-05, 10:51 PM
#6
Certified Old Fart
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Inkerman, On, South of Ottawa, the 2nd coldest Capital in the World
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You forgot
1. Remove undertray (that is remove 2 undertray bolts, and 10 others under front bumper guard.
2. Fight to open drain on oil cooler
3. Drop pressure valve into tub of oil without seeing in what order the parts fell out.
4. Notice 2 brackets that brace bumper cover are rusted away.
5. Remove brake ducts and inner fender to allow welding
6. Make and weld new brackets to the frame.
7. Notice headlight washers don't work anymore, so spend 2 1/2 hrs figthing to get the thing out.
8. Hook it to direct 12v, and it works fine.
9. Remember headlights have to be up for washers to work.
10. Swear, and spend 1 1/2 hrs putting washer bucket back in
11. Notice brake ducts are so rusty that you order 2 new ones from Mazda for $56 ea.
12. Undercoat and install new brake ducts
13. Replace all hardware holding bumper cover and undertray with stainless.
14. Install and pray you put the pressure valve in the oil cooler together right.
15. Reassemble front inner fenders.
16. Go to hospital to get all the crap from step 1, 5, 6, 7, 10, 12 - 15 out of your eyes.
Go to your Step 1
The awfull thing is, its a true story except for #16!!!!!!!!
2. Fight to open drain on oil cooler
3. Drop pressure valve into tub of oil without seeing in what order the parts fell out.
4. Notice 2 brackets that brace bumper cover are rusted away.
5. Remove brake ducts and inner fender to allow welding
6. Make and weld new brackets to the frame.
7. Notice headlight washers don't work anymore, so spend 2 1/2 hrs figthing to get the thing out.
8. Hook it to direct 12v, and it works fine.
9. Remember headlights have to be up for washers to work.
10. Swear, and spend 1 1/2 hrs putting washer bucket back in
11. Notice brake ducts are so rusty that you order 2 new ones from Mazda for $56 ea.
12. Undercoat and install new brake ducts
13. Replace all hardware holding bumper cover and undertray with stainless.
14. Install and pray you put the pressure valve in the oil cooler together right.
15. Reassemble front inner fenders.
16. Go to hospital to get all the crap from step 1, 5, 6, 7, 10, 12 - 15 out of your eyes.
Go to your Step 1
The awfull thing is, its a true story except for #16!!!!!!!!
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