Official Westcoast Joke Thread
03-31-07, 08:16 PM
#1
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Official Westcoast Joke Thread
Bringin it waaay back:
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
03-31-07, 09:04 PM
#2
CEO of Belligerents INC.
Well.....My joke is and it isn't a joke:
If you need smog hookups, please PM WackyRacer. You don't even need any paper work either. Thanks wacky!
If you need smog hookups, please PM WackyRacer. You don't even need any paper work either. Thanks wacky!
04-01-07, 12:38 AM
#3
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A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Hello, could you give me condom. I’m going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!”
The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out; he returns and says, “Give me another condom because my girlfriend’s sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too.”
The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, “Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend’s mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets t here, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, “Dear Lord, bless this dinner and Thank you for all you give us.”
A minute later the boy is still praying; “Thank you Lord for your kindness.” Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, “I didn’t know you were so religious.”
The boy replies, “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist!”
The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out; he returns and says, “Give me another condom because my girlfriend’s sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too.”
The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, “Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend’s mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets t here, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, “Dear Lord, bless this dinner and Thank you for all you give us.”
A minute later the boy is still praying; “Thank you Lord for your kindness.” Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, “I didn’t know you were so religious.”
The boy replies, “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist!”
04-01-07, 10:52 AM
#5
NorCal 7's Co-founder
A lady decides to drop by and visit her son an daughter in law un-announced, but when she gets there she walks in to find her son isn't home yet and her daughter in law is laying on the couch naked. Startled, the woman asks her daughter in law what she was doing naked on the couch. The daughter in law said "I'm waiting for your son and I'm wearing my love dress. Every time he comes home and I'm doing this he ravages me and it lasts well into the night" Still a little embarrassed for walking in like that the woman decides she'll leave and visit some other time.
Later that day the woman is thinking about what her daughter in law said and she decides that she wants to try it out on her husband. So she gets dinner ready and then goes and lies on the couch naked waiting for him to get home from work. When he walks in he smells dinner and asks what she made him. She answers and then asks him to come into the living room as she has something to show him. He walks in and seeing her naked asks what she's doing. She replies "I was waiting for you in my love dress. What do you think?" The husband replies "Looks like it needs some ironing. Let's have dinner."
Later that day the woman is thinking about what her daughter in law said and she decides that she wants to try it out on her husband. So she gets dinner ready and then goes and lies on the couch naked waiting for him to get home from work. When he walks in he smells dinner and asks what she made him. She answers and then asks him to come into the living room as she has something to show him. He walks in and seeing her naked asks what she's doing. She replies "I was waiting for you in my love dress. What do you think?" The husband replies "Looks like it needs some ironing. Let's have dinner."
04-01-07, 11:16 PM
#6
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
04-05-07, 04:51 PM
#7
Damn Right It's Me
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Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
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04-05-07, 04:56 PM
#8
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Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I’m 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn’t stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good! Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy, that I spread my old legs and said to him, “Take me, young man, Take me!”
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell No! That’s when he yelled “APRIL FOOL!”…..and that’s when I shot the son of a bitch!
Little Old Woman: I’m 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn’t stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good! Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy, that I spread my old legs and said to him, “Take me, young man, Take me!”
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell No! That’s when he yelled “APRIL FOOL!”…..and that’s when I shot the son of a bitch!
04-05-07, 05:43 PM
#9
Originally Posted by BoostedRex
A lady decides to drop by and visit her son an daughter in law un-announced, but when she gets there she walks in to find her son isn't home yet and her daughter in law is laying on the couch naked. Startled, the woman asks her daughter in law what she was doing naked on the couch. The daughter in law said "I'm waiting for your son and I'm wearing my love dress. Every time he comes home and I'm doing this he ravages me and it lasts well into the night" Still a little embarrassed for walking in like that the woman decides she'll leave and visit some other time.
Later that day the woman is thinking about what her daughter in law said and she decides that she wants to try it out on her husband. So she gets dinner ready and then goes and lies on the couch naked waiting for him to get home from work. When he walks in he smells dinner and asks what she made him. She answers and then asks him to come into the living room as she has something to show him. He walks in and seeing her naked asks what she's doing. She replies "I was waiting for you in my love dress. What do you think?" The husband replies "Looks like it needs some ironing. Let's have dinner."
Later that day the woman is thinking about what her daughter in law said and she decides that she wants to try it out on her husband. So she gets dinner ready and then goes and lies on the couch naked waiting for him to get home from work. When he walks in he smells dinner and asks what she made him. She answers and then asks him to come into the living room as she has something to show him. He walks in and seeing her naked asks what she's doing. She replies "I was waiting for you in my love dress. What do you think?" The husband replies "Looks like it needs some ironing. Let's have dinner."
Gross!
04-05-07, 11:37 PM
#11
INCREASE THE PEACE
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Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "OK Les Give me the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."
Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"
Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.
Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........
"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT ******* GOING!"
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "OK Les Give me the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."
Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"
Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.
Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........
"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT ******* GOING!"
04-07-07, 01:59 AM
#16
3 Sailors!!!!
3 sailors wash up on shore.
3 days go by with no food on a beach
3 sailors decide to go and look for food
1 sailor finds a house,
2 of the other sailors follow.
1 sailor walks in and finds fruit on the dining table.
1 old lady comes to him and says you hungry.
Sailor says yes
Old women says "screw me, and then all these fruits are yours"
Sailor watches as she spreads her legs and see's the crusty cootchy.
Sailor grabs the bananas as she closes her eyes and starts jamminging it in!
1 banana after another and then throws the bananas out the window.
Old lady says "harder!!!"
Sailor grabs the pineapple and shoves its and grabs the left over fruits on the table and runs out to others.
1 sailor returns to the 2 sailors and offers the fruits he stole.
2 sailors reply "were not hungry, those banana's you threw out the window were hella good!!!"
3 days go by with no food on a beach
3 sailors decide to go and look for food
1 sailor finds a house,
2 of the other sailors follow.
1 sailor walks in and finds fruit on the dining table.
1 old lady comes to him and says you hungry.
Sailor says yes
Old women says "screw me, and then all these fruits are yours"
Sailor watches as she spreads her legs and see's the crusty cootchy.
Sailor grabs the bananas as she closes her eyes and starts jamminging it in!
1 banana after another and then throws the bananas out the window.
Old lady says "harder!!!"
Sailor grabs the pineapple and shoves its and grabs the left over fruits on the table and runs out to others.
1 sailor returns to the 2 sailors and offers the fruits he stole.
2 sailors reply "were not hungry, those banana's you threw out the window were hella good!!!"
04-08-07, 10:24 PM
#17
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Three blondes went to Heaven on the same day and showed up at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked them over and said, "Well, before you can enter the gates you have to answer one simple question, to show you know something about why you're here."The first blonde stepped up to the gates, and St. Peter said, "Now, explain to me, what is Easter?" The woman replied, "Oh, that's easy. That's the holiday in November, when everybody gets together to give thanks, and eats turkey, and..." "Wrong," replied St. Peter, "You'll have to wait." He turned to the second blonde and said, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replied, "I know, Easter is about Jesus. In December, when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate His birthday."St. Peter shook his head in disgust at the second woman and sighed. He turned to the third blonde and said, "You look a little smarter than the other two... Now, WHAT IS EASTER?"The third blonde smiled and said, "I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that takes place in the spring. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper, and He was deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. Then the Romans took Him to be crucified and stabbed Him in the side, made Him wear a crown of thorns, and crucified Him. He died, and was buried in a cave sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiled and nodded.The blonde continued, "And every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if He sees His shadow there will be six more weeks of winter."
St. Peter fainted.
St. Peter fainted.
04-11-07, 06:48 PM
#21
A WS6 killed my FD
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A blonde goes into a sandwich shop to have lunch and sees that her cup of java has a pull and win sticker on it.
She pulls it off and jumps up and yells, "I won a motorhome, I won a motorhome"
The owner comes over and says "that's impossible, the grand prize is 1 week of free lunch"
The blonde happily shows the owner and says, "look, it says I WIN A BAGEL"
LOLOLOLOLOL. YUP YUP.
She pulls it off and jumps up and yells, "I won a motorhome, I won a motorhome"
The owner comes over and says "that's impossible, the grand prize is 1 week of free lunch"
The blonde happily shows the owner and says, "look, it says I WIN A BAGEL"
LOLOLOLOLOL. YUP YUP.
04-11-07, 06:58 PM
#23
A WS6 killed my FD
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Originally Posted by cool_as_crap
*crickets*
