A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my ***** on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"

 

lol

 

Mr. Smith wanted to become a teacher in the worst way, but the only job he could find was as an instructor at an all female college teaching sex education. His wife was a very jealous woman so Mr. Smith decided he would tell his wife that he would be teaching sailing at this college so that she would not get angry. He was very happy and for months all was well. As fate would have it, one day in the grocery store check out lane, Mrs. Smith overheard a group of girls standing in line behind her talking about college and their instructor Mr. Smith. The girls went on and on about how great this Mr. Smith was at teaching their class. The cashier handed Mrs. Smith her change and said, "Have a great day Mrs. Smith, and thank you, again." One of the girls in line heard the cashier, and asked Mrs. Smith if she was related to the Mr. Smith that was teaching at the college. Mrs. Smith replied, "Yes, he is my husband." Well that set off a torrent of accolades about how knowledgeable Mr. Smith was about the subject matter he was teaching, about how he got the whole class to discuss their fears about learning the subject. Well Mrs. Smith was taken back by what she heard from these girls and replied, "I don't know how you find him to be so gifted at teaching you this course. You know he only tried it twice in his life. The first time he tried it, he got sick, and the second time, his hat blew off and he just quit."

 

eh, that one was okay...but keep em coming. I like the first 2 better.

 

Three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to bring along one item to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"


The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards, grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, gin and other games with a cellmate, or all sorts of different solitaire games when I'm by myself."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled and said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned, pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the label, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller skating...."

 

good one.

 

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."

 

saw the punchline coming from a mile away.

 

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.


The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain" and begins to massage his groin.

After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?"

The man looked up at her and replied, "Well, that does feel pretty good, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

 

 

nice!!!!

 

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk.

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4."


So the guy goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?" The kid embarassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

 

 

hahaha thats funny. its basically about patrick

 

Mr. And Mrs. Friedman are having teh secks and Mr. Friedman turns his wife over to deliver teh doggie style.

Mrs. Friedman looks back and says, "I want you to f#@k me like a Jew".

So Mr. Friedman takes his wife to court.

 

Mr. And Mrs. Friedman are having teh secks and Mr. Friedman turns his wife over to deliver teh doggie style.

Mrs. Friedman looks back and says, "I want you to f#@k me like a Jew".

So Mr. Friedman takes his wife to court.

 

funny, but not funny enough to post twice....an hour apart.
goes to show your never too old to be a noob

 

posted with sidekick phagg. Do a soy'ch.

btw,

pshaw =

 

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"


btw,

pshaw =

 

a hotdog walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The Bartender says "no" and when the hotdog asked why, the bartender replied, "read the sign, I don't serve food".



BTW, pshaw =

 

so there's this guy right?
and he walked into a "bar."
"ouch."

 

btw,

pshaw =

 

btw, I hear that I'm

 

Three nuns and pastor playing a game, In order to get into heaven each nun has to answer one question and only one question right in order to get into heaven. If a nun gets the answer wrong she goes straight to hell.

The pastor went on after the instructions and asked the first nun.
"Nun number one what was the first man made here on earth?" She thought about it for a few seconds and replied
"Adam" DING DING DING DING pastor replied "that is correct!!!!" FIrst nun went on into heaven
Pastor asked the second nun
"Nun number two who was the first woman made here on earth?" Nun number two though about for a few seconds and then replied soon after with
"That would be Eve." DING DING DING DING.....Pastor replied "That is correct!!!!"Gates of heaven opend up and she went on her way.
Just one nun left and nun number three is praying to god that she gets and easy one. Pastor proceeds on with the game and turns to nun number three and asked
"Nun number three what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
Nun looking nervouse and unsure sweating from the for head replies with
"DAMN THAT HARD ONE!!!" DING DING DING.... Pastor replies "That is correct!!!!"

HAHAHAHA!!!!