I dun gone and brokeded mah Ef Cee..
 

To a degree, but its nothing amazingly terrifying right now since its not on the road.

In a nutshell, the locks on both doors are acting weird. The driver's side door doesn't lock at all and the interior locking mechanism doesn't even feel like it's attached to it. The passenger side DOES lock from both the inside and outside, but when I shut the door with it locked, it pops open. Now, if I were to shut the door while holding the handle open, it'll lock without a problem.

My guess, without pulling the door panel off just yet, is that the lock is seized up and I'll need a new one. As for the passenger side, I'm clueless.

You sound to be on the right track, but the passenger side is acting normal.